after about 3 weekends, i have finally completed painting my house. took me quite long to paint the first coating because of many things. i finished the first coating process yesterday(sat) morning. and today(sun) i just came home and finish painting 80% of the 2nd coating. the other 20% will do some other day but it'll definitely be quick. when i started the 1st coating, i thought it would be an easy process. i have scrapped all that i can and even water pressured whatever is possible. how could anything still be stuck... the remaining paint that is stuck, i'd assume it is stuck well. that's were the irritating part is. when i painted the 1st coat, the supposedly well-stuck old-paint comes off. it comes OFF. what the heck man... i had to take the scrapper back and re-scrap again. looking back at my reflection on scrapping, it takes long and hard to heal the heart. and even after all the counseling and help (scrapping) is done and we thought that it is over, it not over yet. even when God's Word and new life (new paint) is starting, there is still deep hurts that is being found and healed(more stubborn old paint coming off). one coat of paint isn't enough. it needs 2 coats so that it'll look good and also last. the 1st coat is like a foundation and the 2nd coat is for a thicker coat and a more solid finish. same like the heart. after taking the first few baby steps and learning more about God, there is more solid food to learn to take for a more beautiful finish. its interesting that i get injuries while i'm painting. how? the bougainvillea tree, the kalamansi tree, the pineapple tree leaves. scratches and the fine thorns getting in my skin. terrible. amazingly no blisters, just swollen palms. in reflection, in the course of helping(painting) others to heal, some of our own hurts can also surface and we can also get injured in the process of helping another. i don't know how i finished 80% in a 2-3 hours. but i challenged myself to persevere on. helps me to prepare for missions. i was pretty tired with white spots everywhere. aunty brigitte thought i went crazy suddenly pushing on to finish so much. well, the healing of the heart takes lots of time and perseverance...
i have developed a little habit. amidst all the things that are rushing about me, and knowing that my brain can just be spinning non-stop in thought and worry, i just stop and ask myself, 'what is your focus?' 'what is your focus?' 'what is your focus?'. i ask myself over and over again to keep myself in focus that i do not stray from the correct focus and purpose of why i do what i do. amidst expectations and just really lots of 'voices' around me, i ask myself to remind myself, that the focus is to listen to God's voice, to serve Him and take care of His sheep. it is just weird. it can get very overwhelming and very tiring. but when i ask myself, 'what is your focus?', realignment is the word that i will use to describe the little process that keeps me on track. there is a reason to go on. there is a hope that i work towards. there is God who is ever faithful and will hold me. i need not fear. O God, our help in ages past, Our hope for years to come, Our shelter from the stormy blast, And our eternal home. Under the shadow of Thy throne Thy saints have dwelt secure; Sufficient is Thine arm alone, And our defence is sure. Before the hills in order stood, Or earth received her frame, From everlasting Thou art God, To endless years the same.
it can be a good thing where the teacher cares enough for the students to have high expectations out of them. where the leader cares enough for his sheep, that he expects and hopes that they will grow and progress in life. expectation is good when someone goes to an event and with an open heart, expect great things to happen. it can be a bad thing. where every quarter expects you to be present at their event. where every quarter expects you to contribute to their event. where every quarter expects you to take an active role in their event. where there are expectations in terms of conduct and character. expectations in 'performance' that it should never drop. expectations to be helping their children. all the above adding the assumption that the person is very free makes a bad combination. and with expectations comes disappointments. of course, when the bar is raised to ridiculously high levels; forgetting that he is just as human as you. some will just think that they have every right to believe it should be that high and that he should be performing well for their purpose all the time. then starts the 'counseling' sessions as though he would want such situations to happen. its just weird. there is high expectations but when a clash comes, there is no benefit of the doubt. okaysss.. at the moment, the bad seems to be longer. but that's cause i'm getting most of the low ends. perhaps people should do their R & D more before opening their mouths.
i'm tired. and i always question myself: why do i do what i am doing. As Bread that is Broken Many hearts are hungry tonight, Many trapped in darkness yearn for the Light So many who are far from home, And many who are lost Oh, Lord, Your wounded children need The power of Your cross As bread that is broken, use our lives As wine that is poured out, a willing sacrifice Empower us, Father, to share the love of Christ As bread that is broken Lord, use our lives Help us to begin where we are. Help us love the people near to our hearts Then give our faith a mission field Wherever You may call Lord, love Your world through each of us, Until we’ve touched them all
given a chance to start something anew, what would you do? its weird that from a bystander's view, a lot can be said about what to do with the chance. but when you're in that chance, a lot of blank moments come in. perhaps its uncertainty that comes along as well; unsure of what is the best thing to do because it is building the foundation for the future. plans are drawn but what's the best? richard taught me that whatever it is that you do, let it echo into eternity. i work, God moves. as days pass and lots of thought being put into it, a frame starts and the picture gets clearer. i would love to get a clear pictures straight away so that i can stop worrying. but nope, it comes bit by bit. i have to have faith and wait patiently on God to tell me through the things i go through and in prayer. God isn't a vending machine. and if God has placed me where He wants me to be, He will also provide me what is needed. He, Jehovah Jireh, is our provider. He will provide for all our needs, according to His riches and glory. i think a lot and also worry a lot. but everytime i just speak the words out, i just realise again God's goodness and faithfulness and i feel calm and comforted again.
